The trying of your faith worketh patience

As i lay alone and rerun this past month i realize the immense pain and suffering i have caused myself and others. I am not asking for forgiveness or sorrow, but I'm merely questioning myself and how i got to such a low point in my life. Three months ago i could have never foreseen such a dark outcome. I made covenants with my heavenly father on my baptism day, May 17, 2009, to be a righteous daughter of God, and I haven't been. I knew how great it felt to have the Spirit, but i hadn't ever felt what it was like to not feel the Spirit, until now. It's a deep pain that I'm dealing with, you would never know that i think about and pray for the Spirit to be with me by my actions because they are not righteous. I think about how selfish I am when I know and have a testimony and yet i still give in to temporal pleasures. today I opened a book "Preparation Precedes Power" and Randy Bott takes scripture from Jacob 4:3 and says "Be wise enough to learn with joy and not with sorrow". That was a spiritual awakening for me, because i know far greater lessons are learned through living righteously than from wicked habits. I though i could learn a great lesson from my wickedness, but my righteousness will teach me far greater lessons. I have lost the greatest love, the power of the holy ghost, participation in sacrament, respect, trust; all for what? Temporal pleasures that I am hurting everyone around me with.

I want to escape my consequences, but I have to bear the burden and it is really hurting right now. I feel worthless because i should have been strong, kept my head high and made sure to surround myself with the people who hold the same values as me. I didn't though, I kept my feelings of anger and sadness to myself and medicated those feelings by breaking my covenants. Meanwhile I put up a front that everything will be fine yet I'm lonely, scared to let anyone really know for fear of judgement. I know Satan is making me feel this way, and through the atonement i am able to repent and feel the gift of the holy ghost again. For those of you who ever doubted my testimony, it was built on a solid foundation and even through such a trying time, I still know that my heavenly father loves me, i know Joseph Smith restored the gospel and received revelation form God, I know that the LDS church is true and that I am a choice daughter of God. Living my commandments brings me the greatest happiness, and tons of blessings are in store if I harken to heavenly fathers words.

I lost sight of my goal, the celestial kingdom. I could never settle for less than the best, because i know i can succeed in getting the best. I am grateful for my brothers and sisters who have given me so much support and love through my time of trial. Grateful for my MOm and Dad who continually give words of advice, and even the fights because they open my eyes. Grateful for John Dame to continually remind me who I am. Grateful for Momma and Pa D for sending me uplifting emails. Grateful for my Aunts for consoling me, my cousins Whitney and Reme for spending time with me when I was hurting. Grateful for Ry and Deej, even though I have made wrong decisions with them they are still children of God, and I know i need to be a good example for them. Im so grateful for Matt, I have caused you a lot of heartache, but your still there even if we can only be friends, i am still grateful to know I am supported by you. I have an "attitude of gratitude" because i know i am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

I need to put my words into action, by starting to live righteously and make heavenly father proud. Pray for me to have strength to withstand temptation. I also wanted to bear my testimony of the spirit i felt at church last weekend. I had been feeling terrible all weekend and knew i was going to talk to Bishop on sunday so i was nervous and feeling not so great about having to attend church for three hours. As soon as i got to sacrament I felt so at peace and the entire three hours at church gave me so much strength and happiness. I didn't want to leave. The lesson on being charitable spoke volumes to me, because it was about remembering the whole, and thinking about others before yourself. I am so grateful to know the gospel and to be a member of the true church of Jesus Christ. It will give me my greatest joy. I leave everyone with this because I am struggling but I am trying even if it Doesn't seem like I am, or that i don't care, because I do. The thoughts of me breaking my covenants, and the people i have hurt run through my mind all the time, and it tears me up inside. I promise to tory harder though, and i know i can beat Satan's evil ways because of the atonement. I am still hurting but I'm on my way to healing these wounds because this to shall pass. Pray for me, I love you all dearly. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.